Don't Say Gay, Hottie

Splendid steam rises from the sidewalk.
At last, the heat, cleared for takeoff,
Tears through the air as though chased by God,
All the hotter for waiting so long to explode.

The first hot day of the year is always really exhausting. A month later, 90 degrees feels almost normal.

Orlando Magic center Dwight Howard recently issued a public appeal for the team to acquire more talent. At the same time, veteran point guard Steve Nash stated that an openly gay NBA athlete would not generate as much controversy and strife among teammates and opponents as many people suspect. While neither of these stories is uninteresting, it's better for all concerned to juxtapose them and conceive the following sensational headline:

Howard Says Get Me Gayer Players

Subtlety Is, You Know... (:wink:)

I suspect Julian Assange is not the real name of the WikiLeaks founder. It sounds more like a moniker made up in the heat of the moment to avoid revealing one's true identity. I imagine the "Julian" part is legit; it's the surname I doubt.

"Whats your name?"
"Julian."
"Julian what?"
"Julian Ahhh...san..juh, Assange!"
"How do you spell that?"
"I don't know."


Marketing that shoots for a male audience never aims very high intellectually. Maybe there aren't enough intelligent men to make up a target market or maybe they know smart men couldn't be persuaded by any tactic advertisers attempted. Here's an example of advertising intended for a male audience:

"HEY, MORON, DRINK BEER, BUY GENITAL ENHANCEMENTS, GAMBLE ON SPORTING EVENTS AND GO TO GIRLY CLUBS, THEN BUY YOUR WOMAN EXPENSIVE JEWELRY IN THE HOPE THAT SHE'LL FORGIVE YOU FOR DRINKING BEER, BUYING GENITAL ENHANCEMENTS, GAMBLING ON SPORTING EVENTS, AND GOING TO GIRLY CLUBS. DO IT NOW!"

Hey, why be subtle?

Suppose They Gave An Armageddon and Nobody Came

What a dud! That's the last time I donate my body to charity and give all my money to medical science. Or was it the other way around?

A Lush World

According to data gathered in 2010, the drunkest country in the world is Moldova. Somewhere on the planet, an Irishman and a Russian are sharing a bottle of vodkey, consoling one another over this embarrassing state of affairs. Later on, they’ll get into a fight, with some Moldovans if any are around, or with each other if no Moldovans can be located.

God's Friends

There’s a lot of talk about certain men believing they are God’s gift to women, but no man is a gift from God. God’s gift to women is the ability, on average, to outlive men but even this took a long time to develop, what with infant mortality, consumption, spousal abuse, and gross ignorance among medical personnel of female anatomy, hormones, and metabolism up until the 20^th Century. God’s pre-1900 gift to women is not entirely clear. Maybe it just took a long time to pick out. Come to think of it, God probably owes women one of those belated cards: “Sorry it took thousands of years to give you this, but I hope the additional longevity makes up for it.” And it might.  

One tell-tale sign of a pathetic human being involves anyone who’s deliberately and persistently obstinate and disagreeable at work and when questioned about it sneers, “I’m not here to make friends.” You know what that means? This person has no friends.  

Hey, Hey, Hey, It's the Fifth of May (well, it was)

Try to imagine Fat Albert emerging from bariatric surgery. He looks good, still overweight but less roly-poly. You approach him to shake hands, to wish him well, and he opens his mouth to greet you. Does he sound like Fat Albert, the real Fat Albert, or has his voice changed with the reduced weight?

After that, you drive across town to a different hospital to visit Mush Mouth, who has just had his speech impediment corrected. It’s a bittersweet day for the animated disabled. Hey, hey, hey!

Happy belated Cinco De Mayo to everyone. It's a more significant date in United States history than many suspect, marking a Mexican victory over the French in 1862 (In the long run, Mexico lost the war). Had France prevailed, it might have impacted the outcome of the US Civil War, although at this point all we can do is speculate.