tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-52416775759313610542024-03-08T07:09:33.939-08:00Short Poems and Big Ol' LiesRHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15494211702327569756noreply@blogger.comBlogger96125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5241677575931361054.post-38882574055777632492011-12-17T19:06:00.000-08:002011-12-17T19:07:13.495-08:00Me, Oh, and Cleo (Almost)Actual headline on AOL's homepage: Simon Cowell 'almost slept with Paula' <br />
<br />
Yeah, listen, greaseballs who pedal this nonsense and greaseballs who read this nonsense, it is not news when two celebrities sleep together ergo it is unquestionably not news when two celebrities almost sleep together. It is even less newsworthy when one of the alleged celebrities is a washed up late 80s pop tart and the other is a pimp of fake, manufactured music. <br />
<br />
You know who I almost slept with? Cleopatra! If I'd been born a couple thousand years ago somewhere in the Roman Empire and had possessed the means and opportunity to meet Cleopatra and we had gotten along well and she hadn't been involved with one of her other lovers at the time and if I hadn't died young due to lead poisoning or any of the other numerous ailments that caused people to check out early in the ancient world, I could have slept with Cleopatra! So close.RHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15494211702327569756noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5241677575931361054.post-17135114291542468652011-12-13T03:44:00.000-08:002011-12-13T03:44:33.715-08:00Change the MenuI hate the phrase "and all the trimmings." If the menu proclaims that a meal comes with "all the trimmings", I don't order it. It's pretentious in that down home sort of way, like a person who says "yee-ha". Don't ever say "yee-ha". Ever. "Y'all" is okay to say; that's a legitimate and very old contraction of plural "you". Granted, it does sound forced and artificial when it emerges from certain mouths, but that's true of many excellent words and phrases. <br />
<br />
And what's worse than "all the trimmings"? Why, "all the trimmins", of course. The only thing more nauseating than a phoney baloney menu flourish calculatingly designed to convince people of authenticity is the same phrase deliberately misspelled to reflect pronunciation. Stop it!RHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15494211702327569756noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5241677575931361054.post-9397683761844351122011-12-12T09:15:00.000-08:002011-12-12T09:15:04.981-08:00SatificationIf I had a time machine, I'd use it to go back and punch the three male cast members of "Friends" right in their grills during the intro of the show. I'd be there for them, all right. <br />
<br />
This might seem like a trivial thing compared to the possibility of using a time machine to prevent the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks or stop the Holocaust or slavery, but tampering with history is such a risk. Disrupting an overrated, inane television show from the 1990s is where true satisfaction lies.RHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15494211702327569756noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5241677575931361054.post-62888881972698244922011-12-11T04:40:00.000-08:002011-12-11T04:40:19.394-08:00No Kumquats in My Cole Slaw, PleaseIs there a global citrus surplus? There has to be a reason every restaurant insists on putting lime in your soda and lemon in your water. At some establishments, you have to ask for the citrus <i>not<i></i></i> to be inserted in your beverage. <br />
<br />
When exactly did asking for water mean you were also requesting fruit? This seems like a technique designed to get rid of unwanted items, such as, apparently, lemons and limes. You know what they say, if life gives you lemons, open a restaurant and give them to someone else. <br />
<br />
With so much citrus available, why is anybody bothering with vitamin C pills? Has scurvy been eradicated? How long before they start adding unwanted citrus to food as well? Oranges in the spaghetti? That wasn't a meatball after all!RHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15494211702327569756noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5241677575931361054.post-18393684988343329022011-12-09T10:46:00.000-08:002011-12-09T10:46:21.780-08:00Cash OnlyI took a long break from blogging and you know why? I'm greedy! I want to write for money because I'm good enough and after writing for free a certain amount of time, I got fed up. I fear this is a decidedly counterproductive approach so I have a solution: pay me. Wherever you are around the world, send me money. I won't pay it back. I won't use it for noble purposes. I won't be grateful for the rest of my (or your) life. But I will have more money. <br />
<br />
Why is an amphibian running for President of the United States? Never mind, it's pretty obvious most decent humans don't want the job. If we must have an amphibian, I'd rather have a toad, really, because they're mostly terrestrial and therefore probably more aware of what's happening on Earth. That doesn't mean I object to an aquatic creature holding office, maybe as Vice President, because we need their input as well. But in the top office, I'd prefer something that walks the planet like me. Self-interest and all, you understand. <br />
<br />
I want readers to massage my ego and praise me like the eternal child I am. "You're talented, RH, and you're such a good boy!" I don't even object to the occasional candy bar. Send one along with the money. Cash only!RHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15494211702327569756noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5241677575931361054.post-79268817566268389332011-10-18T18:08:00.000-07:002011-10-18T18:08:58.828-07:00Charles Edward Anderson BerryHappy 85th birthday to Chuck Berry, one of the greatest performers and songwriters ever. One of the best things about Berry's songs is the ease of the rhymes. No doubt he worked very hard to write the lyrics, but every line comes out as though that's what Chuck was going to say anyway, and it just happened to rhyme with the previous line. Berry's no saint. He's been on the wrong side of the law more than once. But he created perhaps the most glorious American music that has ever been heard.RHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15494211702327569756noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5241677575931361054.post-71414708971312458092011-10-13T17:32:00.000-07:002011-10-13T17:32:46.601-07:00Punch a DrunkThere is now a prescription drug to increase eyelash length. At least they're working on the important stuff. Maybe someone can help me out with this uneven fingernail growth. <br />
<br />
<b>Punch a Drunk</b><br />
<br />
<b>When a drunk commits assault, <br />
He always says it's not his fault<br />
The trash he utters isn't true;<br />
That's the liquor talking too.<br />
If you ain't sober, nothing counts<br />
So keep guzzling every ounce.<br />
Why is it when you wreck the car<br />
You still end up in the ER?</b>RHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15494211702327569756noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5241677575931361054.post-56858278975613569872011-10-08T17:14:00.000-07:002011-10-08T17:14:07.238-07:00Same NamenessFlipping through channels the other day, I saw Erik Erikson commenting on Chris Christie's decision not to run for President of the United States. And I thought, if anyone can offer up insight on a guy named Chris Christie, it's a guy named Erik Erikson. Next week, I want Sirhan Sirhan's observations on whether or not--you have to work a little for this one--Billy Dee Williams will run for President.RHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15494211702327569756noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5241677575931361054.post-5370673596482840782011-10-03T18:06:00.000-07:002011-10-03T18:06:31.866-07:00Goodbye, HomiesAll my enemies withdrew yesterday,<br />
Said they'd find someplace else to play. <br />
My friends followed them right out the door,<br />
No point hanging with me anymore.RHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15494211702327569756noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5241677575931361054.post-80070802134811218982011-09-29T06:05:00.000-07:002011-09-29T06:05:38.988-07:00Tiny God?What makes people--especially, but not exclusively, songwriters--so sure that God is enormous? "100 Pounds of Clay", "He's Got the Whole World In His Hands", Touchdown Jesus, Oral Roberts' bizzare tale of the enormous Jesus who insisted he raise tons of cash; all these indicate that the Creator of the universe must be extremely large. Just because God created big things doesn't mean God is physically imposing. God could be 5'4" and timid-looking, the type who wants to prove to everyone size is no limitation to vision.RHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15494211702327569756noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5241677575931361054.post-90975754255997920252011-09-22T17:45:00.000-07:002011-09-22T17:45:53.248-07:00ShiftSalmonella is one of the best weight loss programs out there and it's free. Well, there's no monetary cost. <br />
<br />
All summer there was an ad blitz about a treatment for shift work disorder. The side effects included vomiting, blistering, peeling, red skin rash, hallucinations, mouth sores, depression, anxiety, and irregular heartbeat. All of which begs the question: wouldn't you rather live with shift work disorder?RHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15494211702327569756noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5241677575931361054.post-53510105092956245082011-09-17T08:33:00.000-07:002011-09-17T09:01:37.933-07:00Yawn!Last night, I had a one night stand. I met with old friends and we stood around. They're nice people, but not very interesting. Or maybe they are interesting and just don't reveal much of themselves in conversation, preferring instead to focus on the mundane for whatever reason. We probably all do this. My old friends are very likely to have withdrawn from the evening saying of me, "Nice person, but boring." <br />
<br />
But I'm not boring, you backbiting jerks! I've been to twenty countries, more if East Germany--an ex-country--counts. So why are you running your mouths about how dull I am? Some old friends you turned out to be! <br />
<br />
Seriously, though, they weren't interesting.RHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15494211702327569756noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5241677575931361054.post-38465885370874530112011-09-14T18:49:00.000-07:002011-09-17T08:06:29.343-07:00Condi and Chelle at the Canterbury, Circa mid 90sDoes anybody care if Sarah Palin had a one night stand with Glen Rice a quarter of a century ago? Larry Flynt, maybe. If it's true, I wonder when exactly Glen Rice recognized her as the same woman he'd had a fling with all those years ago. Was it when she became Governor of Alaska? Before then? Or was it not until she rose to prominence as a Vice Presidential candidate? What went through his mind the first time he saw her standing at a podium preparing to address the nation? <br />
<br />
Otherwise, who cares? Don't we have any better gossip than this? Okay, I've got some. In 1994, I ran into Michelle Bachmann and Condoleeza Rice at the Canterbury Inn in Indianapolis. I said I was a road manager for After 7 and asked them to meet me in my room after seven, but they showed up at 6:52 and I wouldn't let them in. I wasn't really a road manager for After 7 though, so the joke was on them.RHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15494211702327569756noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5241677575931361054.post-28658316340651425692011-09-06T20:41:00.000-07:002011-09-06T20:41:02.044-07:00Cut These Remakes LooseOh good, they remade "Footloose"! Remember when it came out and you kept thinking, "Good movie and all, but they need to remake it in 25 or 30 years so they can take advantage of the many technological developments sure to transpire over the next three decades." Hopefully they'll simplify that terribly complex and intricate plot, too!RHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15494211702327569756noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5241677575931361054.post-52005964637073418852011-09-05T06:44:00.000-07:002011-09-05T06:44:17.142-07:00E.Fish.AntI have now worked for two different organizations that held Efficiency Meetings. Is there a more self-contradictory phrase than “efficiency meeting”? What two words are less suited to be neighbors than “efficiency” and “meeting”? Any (oxy)moron who organizes an Efficiency Meeting ought to be fired outright. In fact, anybody who attends an Efficiency Meeting is probably someone the company can do without. So go ahead and have that Efficiency Meeting; you won’t be missed.RHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15494211702327569756noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5241677575931361054.post-25796974780319522502011-09-04T05:18:00.000-07:002011-09-05T06:30:15.027-07:00MoistWhy isn't anyone said to have a "wet" sense of humor? Maybe Gallagher, what with all those melons. On the other hand, someone with a "damp" sense of humor might be similar to a "wet blanket", a kind of sourpuss who doesn't laugh at anything, even a watermelon being smashed.RHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15494211702327569756noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5241677575931361054.post-67175181077736077262011-08-26T07:19:00.000-07:002011-08-26T07:19:33.180-07:00If You Don't Know, Now You KnowYou can read excerpts from the novel at my companion website:<br />
<br />
http://halfasleeponthetrain.blogspot.com/<br />
<br />
I could post the whole book there but, you know, that would be self-defeating. <br />
<br />
This is an old title of mine, but one of my better short works. <br />
<br />
<b>Hope Sinks</b><br />
<br />
You know what they say<br />
About the minister's daughter.<br />
But today she walks the aisle,<br />
Stepping silently toward matrimony.<br />
And all the fellows whose back seats<br />
She has not yet graced<br />
Sigh in despondent resignation. <br />
<br />
RHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15494211702327569756noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5241677575931361054.post-19539216080355984562011-08-20T18:58:00.000-07:002011-08-20T18:58:13.585-07:00Young Enemies<br />
"The Oogum Boogum Song" by Brenton Wood is really underrated. <br />
<br />
Want to buy a book? I know where you can get one. <br />
<br />
http://sbpra.com/rovellhoyman/<br />
<br />
I ran into an old friend today. Then I realized we weren't friends and he wasn't old. So I hit him. <br />
<br />
I would never want to be a critic and I hope no one ever calls me one. It isn’t because the work of a critic might not be fun, it’s the name. The moniker implies perpetual dissatisfaction. I’d never be happy with that. <br />
<br />
Some outdoor types say they love sleeping under the stars. That’s fine, but we don’t really have a choice. All of us sleep under the stars. I just prefer to have a roof between me and the stars. <br />
RHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15494211702327569756noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5241677575931361054.post-34353771057824571622011-08-13T19:07:00.000-07:002011-08-13T19:07:41.027-07:00Not Sylvia Plath<b>Hands toil, hearts roil,<br />
Sickness settles in. <br />
Lips spit, ears split,<br />
Reeling from the din. <br />
Legs splay, bones decay,<br />
Tender ankles roll. <br />
Time binds, fries minds, <br />
Worry rots the soul. </b><br />
<br />
Sometimes I use miserable poems like the one above to discard negative feelings. This didn't seem to work for Sylvia Plath, who killed herself anyway. But I'm not Sylvia Plath. I've never even been accused of it, in fact. <br />
<br />
<br />
RHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15494211702327569756noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5241677575931361054.post-17202707869768210702011-08-09T11:21:00.000-07:002011-08-09T11:21:37.410-07:00Real Kids Voting For Oven-Baked Cheese<br />
<b>Today I saw a bumper sticker that read, "I'm Voting For Kids". I didn't quite know how to break it to the motorist that kids can't run for office due to age restrictions. Unless it's a school election, in which case adults can't vote. <br />
<br />
A banner displayed at a local filling station trumpeted its "oven-baked pizza." This didn't seem like much to boast about, as the typical preparation technique for pizza is to bake it in an oven. This is similar to the package of cheese puffs claiming to be made from "real cheese." Well, yeah, they're cheese puffs! </b>RHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15494211702327569756noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5241677575931361054.post-74081618899700921702011-08-07T10:23:00.000-07:002011-08-07T10:23:31.211-07:00Guy and I<b>Everyday life tackles from behind<br />
While approaching crises flood the mind,<br />
Look straight ahead, but walk around blind. </b><br />
<br />
If your complaint is that people complain too much, should you stop complaining? <br />
<br />
Last week, I hitchhiked from Bobo-Dioulasso to Ouagadougou in Burkina Faso. Not only was it blisteringly hot, but I walked all the way from Bobo to Boromo without getting a lift even once. At Boromo, Guy Fieri picked me up and we stopped at a dive on the outskirts of Ougadougou before dropping me off at the taxi rank.RHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15494211702327569756noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5241677575931361054.post-30844963033349925512011-08-06T17:49:00.000-07:002011-08-06T17:49:23.477-07:00Literary FamineMy credit rating got downgraded a few years back and it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I learned to be smarter and more sensible with my money. I also learned that credit card companies are, by and large, ruthless swindlers. <br />
<br />
So I have become a ruthless swindler myself. Send me money. Now. If you need a reason, tell yourself it's to buy my book. <br />
<br />
Which brings me to the topic of self-promotion again. Please, please, please buy my book. I'm not a ruthless swindler now, I'm a starving artist. <br />
<br />
http://sbpra.com/rovellhoyman/<br />
<br />
Thank you.RHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15494211702327569756noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5241677575931361054.post-68394577844274254892011-08-04T19:36:00.000-07:002011-08-04T19:36:39.823-07:00That's Not ReichYou know who the Nazis were really mean to? Jehovah's Witnesses. Who else? Homosexuals. Communists. The disabled. So the next time you want to compare your political opponent to a Nazi, measure your words, checkity check yourself. There is no comparison and it's a cheap, juvenile move. <br />
<br />
Meanwhile, I don't have an iPhone. But I do have my thumb and forefinger. With the T&F phone, I can talk to anyone, including God and the dead.RHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15494211702327569756noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5241677575931361054.post-72329841358639038042011-07-30T04:53:00.000-07:002011-07-30T04:53:26.770-07:00AnswersThe correct responses to the General Knowledge Test were C, D, A, C, B. The bonus question could have been answered in a variety of ways but probably the best combination of correctness and brevity would be "You wouldn't." However, more creative answers to both the multiple choice and essay portions are sought just for the sake of interest.RHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15494211702327569756noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5241677575931361054.post-83384495318754114592011-07-28T15:18:00.000-07:002011-07-28T15:18:20.650-07:00General Knowledge Test1. As of July 2011, the Vice President of the United States is:<br />
<br />
A) Joe the Plumber<br />
B) Joe the Electrician<br />
C) Joe Biden<br />
D) Justin Beiber<br />
<br />
2. A supernova is:<br />
<br />
A) A turbocharged Chevy<br />
B) An especially good episode of a popular PBS program<br />
C) The unreliable drunk who looks after your apartment complex<br />
D) The cataclysmic explosion of a large star<br />
<br />
3. The Prime Minister of the United Kingdom during the latter portion of the First World War was:<br />
<br />
A) David Lloyd George<br />
B) Linda Day George<br />
C) George of the Jungle<br />
D) Gromit<br />
<br />
4. Sudan is:<br />
<br />
A) What you'll do when Daniel doesn't pay back the money he owes you<br />
B) Another of those ridiculous celebrity combo names like Bennifer and Brangelina that the press has pre-selected in case Danny DeVito marries Susan Sarandon<br />
C) An arid country in North Africa recently divided into two separate nations<br />
D) A delicious lunch meat<br />
<br />
5. Howard Holt lost the position of Prime Minister of Australia because:<br />
<br />
A) He was defeated in a free and fair election<br />
B) He vanished at Cheviot Beach and was never seen again<br />
C) He popularized the phrase "G'day, mate", forever stigmatizing Australians as a One Greeting People<br />
D) Howard Holt is still Prime Minister of Australia<br />
<br />
Bonus Essay Question:<br />
<br />
Why Would You Put Pork In Your Own Food? <br />
<br />
Answers will appear tomorrow.RHhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15494211702327569756noreply@blogger.com0