Me, Oh, and Cleo (Almost)

Actual headline on AOL's homepage: Simon Cowell 'almost slept with Paula'

Yeah, listen, greaseballs who pedal this nonsense and greaseballs who read this nonsense, it is not news when two celebrities sleep together ergo it is unquestionably not news when two celebrities almost sleep together. It is even less newsworthy when one of the alleged celebrities is a washed up late 80s pop tart and the other is a pimp of fake, manufactured music.

You know who I almost slept with? Cleopatra! If I'd been born a couple thousand years ago somewhere in the Roman Empire and had possessed the means and opportunity to meet Cleopatra and we had gotten along well and she hadn't been involved with one of her other lovers at the time and if I hadn't died young due to lead poisoning or any of the other numerous ailments that caused people to check out early in the ancient world, I could have slept with Cleopatra! So close.

Change the Menu

I hate the phrase "and all the trimmings." If the menu proclaims that a meal comes with "all the trimmings", I don't order it. It's pretentious in that down home sort of way, like a person who says "yee-ha". Don't ever say "yee-ha". Ever. "Y'all" is okay to say; that's a legitimate and very old contraction of plural "you". Granted, it does sound forced and artificial when it emerges from certain mouths, but that's true of many excellent words and phrases.

And what's worse than "all the trimmings"? Why, "all the trimmins", of course. The only thing more nauseating than a phoney baloney menu flourish calculatingly designed to convince people of authenticity is the same phrase deliberately misspelled to reflect pronunciation. Stop it!

Satification

If I had a time machine, I'd use it to go back and punch the three male cast members of "Friends" right in their grills during the intro of the show. I'd be there for them, all right.

This might seem like a trivial thing compared to the possibility of using a time machine to prevent the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks or stop the Holocaust or slavery, but tampering with history is such a risk. Disrupting an overrated, inane television show from the 1990s is where true satisfaction lies.

No Kumquats in My Cole Slaw, Please

Is there a global citrus surplus? There has to be a reason every restaurant insists on putting lime in your soda and lemon in your water. At some establishments, you have to ask for the citrus not to be inserted in your beverage.

When exactly did asking for water mean you were also requesting fruit? This seems like a technique designed to get rid of unwanted items, such as, apparently, lemons and limes. You know what they say, if life gives you lemons, open a restaurant and give them to someone else.

With so much citrus available, why is anybody bothering with vitamin C pills? Has scurvy been eradicated? How long before they start adding unwanted citrus to food as well? Oranges in the spaghetti? That wasn't a meatball after all!

Cash Only

I took a long break from blogging and you know why? I'm greedy! I want to write for money because I'm good enough and after writing for free a certain amount of time, I got fed up. I fear this is a decidedly counterproductive approach so I have a solution: pay me. Wherever you are around the world, send me money. I won't pay it back. I won't use it for noble purposes. I won't be grateful for the rest of my (or your) life. But I will have more money.

Why is an amphibian running for President of the United States? Never mind, it's pretty obvious most decent humans don't want the job. If we must have an amphibian, I'd rather have a toad, really, because they're mostly terrestrial and therefore probably more aware of what's happening on Earth. That doesn't mean I object to an aquatic creature holding office, maybe as Vice President, because we need their input as well. But in the top office, I'd prefer something that walks the planet like me. Self-interest and all, you understand.

I want readers to massage my ego and praise me like the eternal child I am. "You're talented, RH, and you're such a good boy!" I don't even object to the occasional candy bar. Send one along with the money. Cash only!

Charles Edward Anderson Berry

Happy 85th birthday to Chuck Berry, one of the greatest performers and songwriters ever. One of the best things about Berry's songs is the ease of the rhymes. No doubt he worked very hard to write the lyrics, but every line comes out as though that's what Chuck was going to say anyway, and it just happened to rhyme with the previous line. Berry's no saint. He's been on the wrong side of the law more than once. But he created perhaps the most glorious American music that has ever been heard.

Punch a Drunk

There is now a prescription drug to increase eyelash length. At least they're working on the important stuff. Maybe someone can help me out with this uneven fingernail growth.

Punch a Drunk

When a drunk commits assault,
He always says it's not his fault
The trash he utters isn't true;
That's the liquor talking too.
If you ain't sober, nothing counts
So keep guzzling every ounce.
Why is it when you wreck the car
You still end up in the ER?

Same Nameness

Flipping through channels the other day, I saw Erik Erikson commenting on Chris Christie's decision not to run for President of the United States. And I thought, if anyone can offer up insight on a guy named Chris Christie, it's a guy named Erik Erikson. Next week, I want Sirhan Sirhan's observations on whether or not--you have to work a little for this one--Billy Dee Williams will run for President.

Goodbye, Homies

All my enemies withdrew yesterday,
Said they'd find someplace else to play.
My friends followed them right out the door,
No point hanging with me anymore.

Tiny God?

What makes people--especially, but not exclusively, songwriters--so sure that God is enormous? "100 Pounds of Clay", "He's Got the Whole World In His Hands", Touchdown Jesus, Oral Roberts' bizzare tale of the enormous Jesus who insisted he raise tons of cash; all these indicate that the Creator of the universe must be extremely large. Just because God created big things doesn't mean God is physically imposing. God could be 5'4" and timid-looking, the type who wants to prove to everyone size is no limitation to vision.

Shift

Salmonella is one of the best weight loss programs out there and it's free. Well, there's no monetary cost.

All summer there was an ad blitz about a treatment for shift work disorder. The side effects included vomiting, blistering, peeling, red skin rash, hallucinations, mouth sores, depression, anxiety, and irregular heartbeat. All of which begs the question: wouldn't you rather live with shift work disorder?

Yawn!

Last night, I had a one night stand. I met with old friends and we stood around. They're nice people, but not very interesting. Or maybe they are interesting and just don't reveal much of themselves in conversation, preferring instead to focus on the mundane for whatever reason. We probably all do this. My old friends are very likely to have withdrawn from the evening saying of me, "Nice person, but boring."

But I'm not boring, you backbiting jerks! I've been to twenty countries, more if East Germany--an ex-country--counts. So why are you running your mouths about how dull I am? Some old friends you turned out to be!

Seriously, though, they weren't interesting.

Condi and Chelle at the Canterbury, Circa mid 90s

Does anybody care if Sarah Palin had a one night stand with Glen Rice a quarter of a century ago? Larry Flynt, maybe. If it's true, I wonder when exactly Glen Rice recognized her as the same woman he'd had a fling with all those years ago. Was it when she became Governor of Alaska? Before then? Or was it not until she rose to prominence as a Vice Presidential candidate? What went through his mind the first time he saw her standing at a podium preparing to address the nation?

Otherwise, who cares? Don't we have any better gossip than this? Okay, I've got some. In 1994, I ran into Michelle Bachmann and Condoleeza Rice at the Canterbury Inn in Indianapolis. I said I was a road manager for After 7 and asked them to meet me in my room after seven, but they showed up at 6:52 and I wouldn't let them in. I wasn't really a road manager for After 7 though, so the joke was on them.

Cut These Remakes Loose

Oh good, they remade "Footloose"! Remember when it came out and you kept thinking, "Good movie and all, but they need to remake it in 25 or 30 years so they can take advantage of the many technological developments sure to transpire over the next three decades." Hopefully they'll simplify that terribly complex and intricate plot, too!

E.Fish.Ant

I have now worked for two different organizations that held Efficiency Meetings. Is there a more self-contradictory phrase than “efficiency meeting”? What two words are less suited to be neighbors than “efficiency” and “meeting”? Any (oxy)moron who organizes an Efficiency Meeting ought to be fired outright. In fact, anybody who attends an Efficiency Meeting is probably someone the company can do without. So go ahead and have that Efficiency Meeting; you won’t be missed.

Moist

Why isn't anyone said to have a "wet" sense of humor? Maybe Gallagher, what with all those melons. On the other hand, someone with a "damp" sense of humor might be similar to a "wet blanket", a kind of sourpuss who doesn't laugh at anything, even a watermelon being smashed.

If You Don't Know, Now You Know

You can read excerpts from the novel at my companion website:

http://halfasleeponthetrain.blogspot.com/

I could post the whole book there but, you know, that would be self-defeating.

This is an old title of mine, but one of my better short works.

Hope Sinks

You know what they say
About the minister's daughter.
But today she walks the aisle,
Stepping silently toward matrimony.
And all the fellows whose back seats
She has not yet graced
Sigh in despondent resignation.

Young Enemies

"The Oogum Boogum Song" by Brenton Wood is really underrated.

Want to buy a book? I know where you can get one.

http://sbpra.com/rovellhoyman/

I ran into an old friend today. Then I realized we weren't friends and he wasn't old. So I hit him.

I would never want to be a critic and I hope no one ever calls me one. It isn’t because the work of a critic might not be fun, it’s the name. The moniker implies perpetual dissatisfaction. I’d never be happy with that.

Some outdoor types say they love sleeping under the stars. That’s fine, but we don’t really have a choice. All of us sleep under the stars. I just prefer to have a roof between me and the stars.

Not Sylvia Plath

Hands toil, hearts roil,
Sickness settles in.
Lips spit, ears split,
Reeling from the din.
Legs splay, bones decay,
Tender ankles roll.
Time binds, fries minds,
Worry rots the soul.

Sometimes I use miserable poems like the one above to discard negative feelings. This didn't seem to work for Sylvia Plath, who killed herself anyway. But I'm not Sylvia Plath. I've never even been accused of it, in fact.

Real Kids Voting For Oven-Baked Cheese

Today I saw a bumper sticker that read, "I'm Voting For Kids". I didn't quite know how to break it to the motorist that kids can't run for office due to age restrictions. Unless it's a school election, in which case adults can't vote.

A banner displayed at a local filling station trumpeted its "oven-baked pizza." This didn't seem like much to boast about, as the typical preparation technique for pizza is to bake it in an oven. This is similar to the package of cheese puffs claiming to be made from "real cheese." Well, yeah, they're cheese puffs!