Un Re Quit Lying

Terence suffered for months, the victim of his unrequited love for Mean Doreen, who lived up to her name by constantly mistreating him. She would not even give him the time of day, claiming that her cellular phone’s GPS had malfunctioned and the clock no longer reflected the correct time zone. She also made snarky and needlessly cruel comments such as, “You’re such a nice guy, Terry. It’s too bad you’re married.”

Married, he thought. It was almost as though she knew about his bigamy. But how could she? The authorities hadn’t caught up to him yet. Or was she holding this knowledge over his head, waiting for the opportunity to blackmail him? Perhaps one of his wives had been in touch with Mean Doreen, but that seemed unlikely. Louise still thought he was away on business, although after three and a half years even she had begun to express suspicions, and Ramona had not yet been released from prison.

He decided to exact revenge on Mean Doreen for being so mean. What was the best way to get back at her, the ultimate punishment?

Marry her, he decided.

It was how he had punished the women in his life, except his mother and grandmother for logistical reasons. Terence had even married his cousin Doris, who only found out they were related after giving birth to a child with sixteen toes, one finger, and no tongue. She requested a DNA test shortly thereafter and filed for divorce a month later. It was her own fault for calling him “cute, but too young” at a family reunion when he was fifteen and she was nineteen. Years later, he altered his appearance just enough not to be taken for the same person and married her under a different name. 

But wooing Mean Doreen might prove tricky. She already knew about one of his marriages, but he couldn’t recall if he had identified his wife as Louise or Ramona or named one of his ex-wives, like Gillian or Celeste. Or Tawny. Still, Terence would find a way. He always did.