Saturday, December 17, 2011

Me, Oh, and Cleo (Almost)

Actual headline on AOL's homepage: Simon Cowell 'almost slept with Paula'

Yeah, listen, greaseballs who pedal this nonsense and greaseballs who read this nonsense, it is not news when two celebrities sleep together ergo it is unquestionably not news when two celebrities almost sleep together. It is even less newsworthy when one of the alleged celebrities is a washed up late 80s pop tart and the other is a pimp of fake, manufactured music.

You know who I almost slept with? Cleopatra! If I'd been born a couple thousand years ago somewhere in the Roman Empire and had possessed the means and opportunity to meet Cleopatra and we had gotten along well and she hadn't been involved with one of her other lovers at the time and if I hadn't died young due to lead poisoning or any of the other numerous ailments that caused people to check out early in the ancient world, I could have slept with Cleopatra! So close.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Change the Menu

I hate the phrase "and all the trimmings." If the menu proclaims that a meal comes with "all the trimmings", I don't order it. It's pretentious in that down home sort of way, like a person who says "yee-ha". Don't ever say "yee-ha". Ever. "Y'all" is okay to say; that's a legitimate and very old contraction of plural "you". Granted, it does sound forced and artificial when it emerges from certain mouths, but that's true of many excellent words and phrases.

And what's worse than "all the trimmings"? Why, "all the trimmins", of course. The only thing more nauseating than a phoney baloney menu flourish calculatingly designed to convince people of authenticity is the same phrase deliberately misspelled to reflect pronunciation. Stop it!

Monday, December 12, 2011


If I had a time machine, I'd use it to go back and punch the three male cast members of "Friends" right in their grills during the intro of the show. I'd be there for them, all right.

This might seem like a trivial thing compared to the possibility of using a time machine to prevent the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks or stop the Holocaust or slavery, but tampering with history is such a risk. Disrupting an overrated, inane television show from the 1990s is where true satisfaction lies.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

No Kumquats in My Cole Slaw, Please

Is there a global citrus surplus? There has to be a reason every restaurant insists on putting lime in your soda and lemon in your water. At some establishments, you have to ask for the citrus not to be inserted in your beverage.

When exactly did asking for water mean you were also requesting fruit? This seems like a technique designed to get rid of unwanted items, such as, apparently, lemons and limes. You know what they say, if life gives you lemons, open a restaurant and give them to someone else.

With so much citrus available, why is anybody bothering with vitamin C pills? Has scurvy been eradicated? How long before they start adding unwanted citrus to food as well? Oranges in the spaghetti? That wasn't a meatball after all!

Friday, December 9, 2011

Cash Only

I took a long break from blogging and you know why? I'm greedy! I want to write for money because I'm good enough and after writing for free a certain amount of time, I got fed up. I fear this is a decidedly counterproductive approach so I have a solution: pay me. Wherever you are around the world, send me money. I won't pay it back. I won't use it for noble purposes. I won't be grateful for the rest of my (or your) life. But I will have more money.

Why is an amphibian running for President of the United States? Never mind, it's pretty obvious most decent humans don't want the job. If we must have an amphibian, I'd rather have a toad, really, because they're mostly terrestrial and therefore probably more aware of what's happening on Earth. That doesn't mean I object to an aquatic creature holding office, maybe as Vice President, because we need their input as well. But in the top office, I'd prefer something that walks the planet like me. Self-interest and all, you understand.

I want readers to massage my ego and praise me like the eternal child I am. "You're talented, RH, and you're such a good boy!" I don't even object to the occasional candy bar. Send one along with the money. Cash only!

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Charles Edward Anderson Berry

Happy 85th birthday to Chuck Berry, one of the greatest performers and songwriters ever. One of the best things about Berry's songs is the ease of the rhymes. No doubt he worked very hard to write the lyrics, but every line comes out as though that's what Chuck was going to say anyway, and it just happened to rhyme with the previous line. Berry's no saint. He's been on the wrong side of the law more than once. But he created perhaps the most glorious American music that has ever been heard.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Punch a Drunk

There is now a prescription drug to increase eyelash length. At least they're working on the important stuff. Maybe someone can help me out with this uneven fingernail growth.

Punch a Drunk

When a drunk commits assault,
He always says it's not his fault
The trash he utters isn't true;
That's the liquor talking too.
If you ain't sober, nothing counts
So keep guzzling every ounce.
Why is it when you wreck the car
You still end up in the ER?