Thursday, September 29, 2011

Tiny God?

What makes people--especially, but not exclusively, songwriters--so sure that God is enormous? "100 Pounds of Clay", "He's Got the Whole World In His Hands", Touchdown Jesus, Oral Roberts' bizzare tale of the enormous Jesus who insisted he raise tons of cash; all these indicate that the Creator of the universe must be extremely large. Just because God created big things doesn't mean God is physically imposing. God could be 5'4" and timid-looking, the type who wants to prove to everyone size is no limitation to vision.

Thursday, September 22, 2011


Salmonella is one of the best weight loss programs out there and it's free. Well, there's no monetary cost.

All summer there was an ad blitz about a treatment for shift work disorder. The side effects included vomiting, blistering, peeling, red skin rash, hallucinations, mouth sores, depression, anxiety, and irregular heartbeat. All of which begs the question: wouldn't you rather live with shift work disorder?

Saturday, September 17, 2011


Last night, I had a one night stand. I met with old friends and we stood around. They're nice people, but not very interesting. Or maybe they are interesting and just don't reveal much of themselves in conversation, preferring instead to focus on the mundane for whatever reason. We probably all do this. My old friends are very likely to have withdrawn from the evening saying of me, "Nice person, but boring."

But I'm not boring, you backbiting jerks! I've been to twenty countries, more if East Germany--an ex-country--counts. So why are you running your mouths about how dull I am? Some old friends you turned out to be!

Seriously, though, they weren't interesting.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Condi and Chelle at the Canterbury, Circa mid 90s

Does anybody care if Sarah Palin had a one night stand with Glen Rice a quarter of a century ago? Larry Flynt, maybe. If it's true, I wonder when exactly Glen Rice recognized her as the same woman he'd had a fling with all those years ago. Was it when she became Governor of Alaska? Before then? Or was it not until she rose to prominence as a Vice Presidential candidate? What went through his mind the first time he saw her standing at a podium preparing to address the nation?

Otherwise, who cares? Don't we have any better gossip than this? Okay, I've got some. In 1994, I ran into Michelle Bachmann and Condoleeza Rice at the Canterbury Inn in Indianapolis. I said I was a road manager for After 7 and asked them to meet me in my room after seven, but they showed up at 6:52 and I wouldn't let them in. I wasn't really a road manager for After 7 though, so the joke was on them.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Cut These Remakes Loose

Oh good, they remade "Footloose"! Remember when it came out and you kept thinking, "Good movie and all, but they need to remake it in 25 or 30 years so they can take advantage of the many technological developments sure to transpire over the next three decades." Hopefully they'll simplify that terribly complex and intricate plot, too!

Monday, September 5, 2011


I have now worked for two different organizations that held Efficiency Meetings. Is there a more self-contradictory phrase than “efficiency meeting”? What two words are less suited to be neighbors than “efficiency” and “meeting”? Any (oxy)moron who organizes an Efficiency Meeting ought to be fired outright. In fact, anybody who attends an Efficiency Meeting is probably someone the company can do without. So go ahead and have that Efficiency Meeting; you won’t be missed.

Sunday, September 4, 2011


Why isn't anyone said to have a "wet" sense of humor? Maybe Gallagher, what with all those melons. On the other hand, someone with a "damp" sense of humor might be similar to a "wet blanket", a kind of sourpuss who doesn't laugh at anything, even a watermelon being smashed.