Friday, August 26, 2011

If You Don't Know, Now You Know

You can read excerpts from the novel at my companion website:

I could post the whole book there but, you know, that would be self-defeating.

This is an old title of mine, but one of my better short works.

Hope Sinks

You know what they say
About the minister's daughter.
But today she walks the aisle,
Stepping silently toward matrimony.
And all the fellows whose back seats
She has not yet graced
Sigh in despondent resignation.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Young Enemies

"The Oogum Boogum Song" by Brenton Wood is really underrated.

Want to buy a book? I know where you can get one.

I ran into an old friend today. Then I realized we weren't friends and he wasn't old. So I hit him.

I would never want to be a critic and I hope no one ever calls me one. It isn’t because the work of a critic might not be fun, it’s the name. The moniker implies perpetual dissatisfaction. I’d never be happy with that.

Some outdoor types say they love sleeping under the stars. That’s fine, but we don’t really have a choice. All of us sleep under the stars. I just prefer to have a roof between me and the stars.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Not Sylvia Plath

Hands toil, hearts roil,
Sickness settles in.
Lips spit, ears split,
Reeling from the din.
Legs splay, bones decay,
Tender ankles roll.
Time binds, fries minds,
Worry rots the soul.

Sometimes I use miserable poems like the one above to discard negative feelings. This didn't seem to work for Sylvia Plath, who killed herself anyway. But I'm not Sylvia Plath. I've never even been accused of it, in fact.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Real Kids Voting For Oven-Baked Cheese

Today I saw a bumper sticker that read, "I'm Voting For Kids". I didn't quite know how to break it to the motorist that kids can't run for office due to age restrictions. Unless it's a school election, in which case adults can't vote.

A banner displayed at a local filling station trumpeted its "oven-baked pizza." This didn't seem like much to boast about, as the typical preparation technique for pizza is to bake it in an oven. This is similar to the package of cheese puffs claiming to be made from "real cheese." Well, yeah, they're cheese puffs!

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Guy and I

Everyday life tackles from behind
While approaching crises flood the mind,
Look straight ahead, but walk around blind.

If your complaint is that people complain too much, should you stop complaining?

Last week, I hitchhiked from Bobo-Dioulasso to Ouagadougou in Burkina Faso. Not only was it blisteringly hot, but I walked all the way from Bobo to Boromo without getting a lift even once. At Boromo, Guy Fieri picked me up and we stopped at a dive on the outskirts of Ougadougou before dropping me off at the taxi rank.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Literary Famine

My credit rating got downgraded a few years back and it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I learned to be smarter and more sensible with my money. I also learned that credit card companies are, by and large, ruthless swindlers.

So I have become a ruthless swindler myself. Send me money. Now. If you need a reason, tell yourself it's to buy my book.

Which brings me to the topic of self-promotion again. Please, please, please buy my book. I'm not a ruthless swindler now, I'm a starving artist.

Thank you.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

That's Not Reich

You know who the Nazis were really mean to? Jehovah's Witnesses. Who else? Homosexuals. Communists. The disabled. So the next time you want to compare your political opponent to a Nazi, measure your words, checkity check yourself. There is no comparison and it's a cheap, juvenile move.

Meanwhile, I don't have an iPhone. But I do have my thumb and forefinger. With the T&F phone, I can talk to anyone, including God and the dead.