Saturday, July 30, 2011


The correct responses to the General Knowledge Test were C, D, A, C, B. The bonus question could have been answered in a variety of ways but probably the best combination of correctness and brevity would be "You wouldn't." However, more creative answers to both the multiple choice and essay portions are sought just for the sake of interest.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

General Knowledge Test

1. As of July 2011, the Vice President of the United States is:

A) Joe the Plumber
B) Joe the Electrician
C) Joe Biden
D) Justin Beiber

2. A supernova is:

A) A turbocharged Chevy
B) An especially good episode of a popular PBS program
C) The unreliable drunk who looks after your apartment complex
D) The cataclysmic explosion of a large star

3. The Prime Minister of the United Kingdom during the latter portion of the First World War was:

A) David Lloyd George
B) Linda Day George
C) George of the Jungle
D) Gromit

4. Sudan is:

A) What you'll do when Daniel doesn't pay back the money he owes you
B) Another of those ridiculous celebrity combo names like Bennifer and Brangelina that the press has pre-selected in case Danny DeVito marries Susan Sarandon
C) An arid country in North Africa recently divided into two separate nations
D) A delicious lunch meat

5. Howard Holt lost the position of Prime Minister of Australia because:

A) He was defeated in a free and fair election
B) He vanished at Cheviot Beach and was never seen again
C) He popularized the phrase "G'day, mate", forever stigmatizing Australians as a One Greeting People
D) Howard Holt is still Prime Minister of Australia

Bonus Essay Question:

Why Would You Put Pork In Your Own Food?

Answers will appear tomorrow.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Two Billion Peas In A Pod

During a recent trek on an Interstate in a major city, I happened across a truck carrying podded peas in an enormous trailer surrounded by mesh. The vegetables were piled loose in enormous heaps with no cover. I had never seen anything like it before. If the vehicle had made a sudden stop, I would have gotten a free lunch.

Why did someone have to pick on Norway? Okay, so it turned out to be a Norwegian, but that doesn't alter the bizarreness of it. Norway, we love you, we support you, and we hate what's happened to you.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Originality Summer

What an embarrassing passel of summer movies! Talking apes, retreads, sequels, Smurfs. Smurfs? That was a bad idea 25 years ago and a worse one now. Why bother with Captain American at this point? It's apparently no mystery why I haven't been to a theater since last year.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Retirement Unlikely

Book sales have so far not yielded enough for me to quit my job and move to the Carribean. You can fix that.

If you don't care about that--and why should you?--just concentrate on the fact it's a good read by a writer looking to make his mark in the literary world. Thanks for your support.

Mood Swing

For self-control, he had no peers,
His emotionlessness exquisite.
A box of tissues would last for years
Unless his grandma came to visit.
But when his friends stopped talking to him,
Islandized him like Madagascar,
His mood grew dark, his prospects grim.
Saw more saltwater than a lascar.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Short Personal Indulgence

Today would have been my Great-Grandfather's 98th birthday. He was born the same day and year as former President Gerald Ford. My Great-Grandfather taught me to walk, ride a bicycle, and drive a car, so without him I couldn't get anywhere. He also perfected use of the phrase "hell of a lookin' thing", ordinarily reserved for people with a particularly strange or haggard appearance. Lady Gaga, for instance, would probably have been "a hell of a lookin' thing" to him.

Not much for content, but hey, it's a sentimental day.

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Welcome To the World, South Sudan

Don't know what you're going to make of this place, considering the crises that spawned your nation to start with, but best of luck to you. Keep rocking the streets of Juba.

One more African note: the city of Ouagadougou in Burkina Faso has one month--August--during which the high temperature does not average more than ninety degrees Fahrenheit. One. The other eleven month offer average highs of at least ninety and sometimes in the hundreds. Africa is perceived by many as a mercilessly hot continent, but many locales belie this stereotype and offer quite temperate conditions. Not so for Ouagadougou! Oh, and the average high in August is a chilly eighty-eight. Brrr!

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Saturn Site For Balls and Biden's Burmese Bat Bash

It's too bad News of the World is ceasing operations because I was about to scoop them on a juicy sex scandal involving US Vice President Joseph Biden, British politician Ed Balls, Burmese dissident Aung San Suu Kyi, a cricket bat, and the planet Saturn. I just needed a few more days to verify sources and come up with a headline. :SIGH:

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Jones the Froad

Today marks the 42nd anniversary of Brian Jones' alleged death by drowning in a swimming pool. Actually, the former Rolling Stones guitarist never died at all. Due to an inadvertent gene splice with a tadpole at the time of his birth, he is one of the rare individuals who can breathe underwater for several weeks.

Speaking from his favorite lily pad near Cotchford Farm, Jones told me he had no regrets about leaving the Rolling Stones and becoming a froad. I knew by the name that this meant a cross between a toad and a frog, but I asked for further details.

"It's just what they call any amphibian-human hybrid," he explained, "whether you share DNA with a frog or toad or newt, you get the same moniker."

I asked if his death had been planned.

"No, definitely not," he croaked, "I was doing a lot of drugs at the time and when I sank to the bottom of that pool for a swim, I made an impulsive decision. I knew I could stay down there and convince them I was dead and start over."

And so he did. Ironically, for a man whose claim to fame is dying young, he has lived longer than any other known human-amphibian cross.

"Some bloke in Indonesia supposedly made it into his seventies," Jones said," but that was back in the early 20th Century and it was never properly verified."

But how has Jones spent the last four decades?

"I was going to do a solo album, but I kind of got addicted to flies," he admitted.