Whatcha Gonna Doofus?

In about 3986 BC, near the city of Uruk in Sumeria, present day Iraq, human beings witnessed the first ever verified instance of a complete doofus surviving past the age of fifteen. Almost certainly it had happened before, but this represented the first time history noted the incident. Though the name of the individual is not known, the doofus is believed to have been male. Subsequent examples of doofuses making it into adulthood occurred independently in Egypt, China, and Central America, ensuring that most, if not all, early human societies were doofus-endowed. For many years, early Hebrew societies seemed to have been an exception, with no doofus appearances reported until centuries later, but scientists now realize this was merely a linguistic quirk, the term “Jewfus” having been employed to describe the same type of person.

This milestone represented both a great advance in civilization and a major setback. On one hand, it indicated life had become not quite so fraught with hazard and peril and raised the curtain on the possibility for long, reasonably happy existences among large groups of people rather than merely the fastest, strongest, and cleverest. On the other hand, it meant the species would have to learn to cope with doofuses! We put them in management because they can’t do work. We elect them to political office so they can speak only in the platitudes they understand since they have no appreciation for nuance. We give them reality television programs and talk shows. And ultimately, they acquire power.

Maybe this wasn’t inevitable. Perhaps slightly better planning or recognition could have altered the course of history, but now instead of having to tolerate and understand the doofus, the doofus barely tolerates and scarcely understands us. The doofus has become the rule rather than the exception. And bear in mind, this isn’t new. It only seems that way because of global media, because the population is now vast enough that a sufficient supply of smart and productive people is generated among the deluge of doofuses. One need only analyze history to realize doofuses have been influential for a very long time. 

Attempts to eradicate the doofus—sometimes called eugenics—have typically proved destructive. For one thing, the process gets corrupted because doofuses inevitably become involved in determining who the doofuses are, but more than that, anti-doofus extremists adopt unworkable plans that have to do with selective breeding, genetics, genocide, and so on. We don’t need to eliminate the doofus; in fact, we need the doofus around. A doofus can serve many useful purposes, such as protecting jobs created by bad companies that produce shoddy products only a doofus would purchase. No, all we need is to make the world safe and liveable for the non-doofus. It’s a modest, achievable goal, at least until doofuses get involved.