Dear Sir

The best, most valid, well-conceived argument against homosexuality is this statement: 

God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.

Precisely! Intellectually flawless. This serves as proof positive that ideas like gay marriage must be terrible. A gay couple would probably have disobeyed God when he insisted that they not eat from the Tree of Knowledge. They'd have gotten themselves kicked right out of the Garden of Eden. Furthermore, the gay couple would not have been able to conceive children; they would have been forced to adopt and, no doubt, their lamentable gay parenting would have produced a crazy child capable of almost anything, even murdering his own brother! 

Just goes to demonstrate that bumper stickers and protest signs are never wrong or overly simplistic. 


Dear Sir, 

I just learned to read yesterday
And object very strongly to what you say.
If this is the kind of thing that appears in print,
I'd be far better off remaining ignorant. 
Your points aren't pithy, your jokes aren't funny;
It's no wonder you've never written for money. 
Just go back to your boring day employment
And leave the Internet for porn and gambling enjoyment.